I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I really seem to be in a season of "me, me, me" because I just can't get over how tired and upset I am.

My husband works as a truck driver and the job he has now is an over night, every other day job. So he leaves at 12:15pm on day 1 and doesn't come home until about 4am on day 2. Then on day 2 he doesn't wake up until about 12 or 1pm.  This is his day off, then he's back to work on the next day.  So on his day off (again, every other day), he'll lay around and watch TV or play video games.  If I push him, he'll pick up the kids at 3pm, then comes home and gets back on the TV or video games.  

I still go about doing what I have to do, prepping dinner, helping with homework for 3 kids, dealing with the 17 month old - all this around my husband sitting in the living room.  On his days that he works, I allow the kids to relax after school and watch TV for about an hour.  Then it goes off and they all do HW, then dinner, and now we will watch a Christmas movie on ABC Family.  Some nights we'll do a Bible study - though to be honest its been a few weeks since we did our last.

But when husband is around, the TV stays on all the time.  And its loud.  My 7 year old boy is easily distracted, especially with video games.  So its so frustrating that husband wont turn the TV or video game off for just 30 minutes until JJ gets his HW done (we have a small house which only has our bedrooms, living room, and kitchen.  There's no family room or other area where we can be away from the distraction, other than the bedroom).  If I ask for help, it's always "in a minute" or he calls our oldest daughter to get the baby brother.

I've spoken my frustrations and asked that he see my point of view. All I get in return is an "OK you're right.  There, happy?"  Which frustrates me even more!

When my husband is not around, I can do it all and be fine.  The work itself can be overwhelming on some days, but I can do it and have peace in the home.  But the nights my husband is home, I feel he should help me.  I KNOW the right thing for him to do is help.  Help your kids with their HW, help me throw out the garbage, be present with your kids.  And the fact that its not happening is what frustrates me and makes me snap on some (most) nights.

I also need some me time.  I'd like to work on posts for my blog more or do a Bible study. I try asking my husband for some time to myself, let me go out to the bookstore once a week on my own.  But that gets shot down all the time.  So I'll sit in my room and read my Bible or write the words of the Bible or listen to a podcast… which lasts all but 5 minutes before I have one of the kids coming up and just wanting to be in the room.  I'm sorry - but sometimes I just need to be alone. ALONE.  Or Sam will cry and as soon as that happens I hear "take your brother upstairs to your mom!".

Sigh.

Oh, and my husband started coming to church with us, but since the new job he hasn't been to church in many months.  So I take all four kids to church on Sunday mornings and evenings, and Wednesday evenings, and any special occasions we have (which are a lot during this time of year).  Which is fine… but I'm tired.  I go to church 3x a week and I don't hear the Word at all.  I'll get 5 minutes of a message before Sam wakes up from his short nap and it's off to the nursery I go.  Of course he won't stay in the nursery on his own, so I'm there with him.  I don't remember the last time I sat through a full message.  So I'm basically going to church 3x a week to hang out in the nursery with other babies - and of course so that my older children can get the word.  On days that I just don't want to, I think of my older ones and I go anyway because of them.  But it's overwhelming to be around kids all day and then be around a bunch of other babies in the evenings as well.  I'm so tired.

I don't have the answer as to how to make it easy.  I feel like no one knows what I'm going through.  I love all the Christian blogs I read, but I feel like their lives are a dream - something I can never attain.   I'm tired.  I will continue to praise my God and read His Word and love on my family - especially my husband.  But inside I'm crying and feeling overwhelmed and sad.  

I know that the Lord isn't finished with me; I have to also remember that He's not finished with my husband.  This is my journey and I have to trust that He knows how I feel and He has a great plan for me, for my husband, for our marriage, and for our family.  Because right now I don't see it.  But that's what faith is all about, right?

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