Please join me at my new blogsite!

Please join me over at my new blogsite: http://growingp31woman.wordpress.com/

I made the move for several reasons, but the main reason is I wanted to start over with a clean look.  It's a work in progress, but you can find all my past posts there as well.

Thanks for joining me!

I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I really seem to be in a season of "me, me, me" because I just can't get over how tired and upset I am.

My husband works as a truck driver and the job he has now is an over night, every other day job. So he leaves at 12:15pm on day 1 and doesn't come home until about 4am on day 2. Then on day 2 he doesn't wake up until about 12 or 1pm.  This is his day off, then he's back to work on the next day.  So on his day off (again, every other day), he'll lay around and watch TV or play video games.  If I push him, he'll pick up the kids at 3pm, then comes home and gets back on the TV or video games.  

I still go about doing what I have to do, prepping dinner, helping with homework for 3 kids, dealing with the 17 month old - all this around my husband sitting in the living room.  On his days that he works, I allow the kids to relax after school and watch TV for about an hour.  Then it goes off and they all do HW, then dinner, and now we will watch a Christmas movie on ABC Family.  Some nights we'll do a Bible study - though to be honest its been a few weeks since we did our last.

But when husband is around, the TV stays on all the time.  And its loud.  My 7 year old boy is easily distracted, especially with video games.  So its so frustrating that husband wont turn the TV or video game off for just 30 minutes until JJ gets his HW done (we have a small house which only has our bedrooms, living room, and kitchen.  There's no family room or other area where we can be away from the distraction, other than the bedroom).  If I ask for help, it's always "in a minute" or he calls our oldest daughter to get the baby brother.

I've spoken my frustrations and asked that he see my point of view. All I get in return is an "OK you're right.  There, happy?"  Which frustrates me even more!

When my husband is not around, I can do it all and be fine.  The work itself can be overwhelming on some days, but I can do it and have peace in the home.  But the nights my husband is home, I feel he should help me.  I KNOW the right thing for him to do is help.  Help your kids with their HW, help me throw out the garbage, be present with your kids.  And the fact that its not happening is what frustrates me and makes me snap on some (most) nights.

I also need some me time.  I'd like to work on posts for my blog more or do a Bible study. I try asking my husband for some time to myself, let me go out to the bookstore once a week on my own.  But that gets shot down all the time.  So I'll sit in my room and read my Bible or write the words of the Bible or listen to a podcast… which lasts all but 5 minutes before I have one of the kids coming up and just wanting to be in the room.  I'm sorry - but sometimes I just need to be alone. ALONE.  Or Sam will cry and as soon as that happens I hear "take your brother upstairs to your mom!".

Sigh.

Oh, and my husband started coming to church with us, but since the new job he hasn't been to church in many months.  So I take all four kids to church on Sunday mornings and evenings, and Wednesday evenings, and any special occasions we have (which are a lot during this time of year).  Which is fine… but I'm tired.  I go to church 3x a week and I don't hear the Word at all.  I'll get 5 minutes of a message before Sam wakes up from his short nap and it's off to the nursery I go.  Of course he won't stay in the nursery on his own, so I'm there with him.  I don't remember the last time I sat through a full message.  So I'm basically going to church 3x a week to hang out in the nursery with other babies - and of course so that my older children can get the word.  On days that I just don't want to, I think of my older ones and I go anyway because of them.  But it's overwhelming to be around kids all day and then be around a bunch of other babies in the evenings as well.  I'm so tired.

I don't have the answer as to how to make it easy.  I feel like no one knows what I'm going through.  I love all the Christian blogs I read, but I feel like their lives are a dream - something I can never attain.   I'm tired.  I will continue to praise my God and read His Word and love on my family - especially my husband.  But inside I'm crying and feeling overwhelmed and sad.  

I know that the Lord isn't finished with me; I have to also remember that He's not finished with my husband.  This is my journey and I have to trust that He knows how I feel and He has a great plan for me, for my husband, for our marriage, and for our family.  Because right now I don't see it.  But that's what faith is all about, right?

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Season of Negativity, Gossip, and Selfishness

I have been going through a real season of… negativity, gossip, and real selfishness.  Leading up to and during the Thanksgiving season, I allowed myself to be wrapped up in family drama.  I'm not proud to say that my children saw me complain, gossip, and sow seeds of discontent in my husband regarding certain members of his family.

All the time I knew I was wrong.  I could feel God's spirit calling to me, to let it go, to pray, to read His word.  But I refused. I wanted to be miserable and I was happy that people finally saw what I've seen for so many years.  Enjoying it a bit too much and feeding into it way beyond measure.

I was tire of being taken advantage of and I was finally putting my foot down.

Looking back, I agree with the decisions I made to make sure I was not being taken advantage of, again.  But I could've done it in love.  I could've spoken words of wisdom into the situation - or at least words of love, understanding. That's what the Lord requires of us - as hard as it can be sometimes.

Going forward, I choose not to be negative towards anyone.  I choose to speak words that will uplift and show mercy.  Because I'm not the old me anymore.  My actions, my words, have to be proof of this.

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Have Mercy on Us, Lord.

Hurricane Sandy has officially passed our area in NJ.  I praise God for His mercies on our home and our area.  We barely got any rain - no worse than any other rainy day.  Though we did get strong winds at times, and it seems some sort of generator exploded right infront of our house - we never lost power! God is so good.  I was praying to Him that He would protect this whole street for our sake and for His glory. That even if we got some flooding, to let us not lose power as I wouldn't know what to do with four young kids and no power, not to mention all the food we'd lose in the fridge and our basement freezer.  And to His glory, not only did we not lose power, but our flood-prone basement is bone dry!  I praise His holy name. He is awesome and powerful and I feel blessed to have felt His mercies tonight.

But others weren't so blessed. I pray for those who were affected by this storm. Especially the Lower East Side of Manhattan that have been in a black out since late last night.  My mom, MIL, brother, and BIL are all in that area (they actually live in the same building). Praying for all those who had to be moved from the NYU hospital because the backup generator didn't work.  Praying for all those fires breaking out - especially the huge 5 alarm one in Breezy Point.  Lord have mercy on these people.  That's all that I can pray. Have mercy - over and over again that's my prayer. Have mercy. Have mercy. Please, Lord, have mercy!  I pray that His powerful strength and healing comfort are all felt throughout the East Coast.  I pray that people who are lost would turn to Him and focus on His goodness, on His everlasting mercies.

I wake up this morning with praise on my lips and prayers in my heart.  Father, thank you for the mercy You have shown already.  I pray for more mercy. Have mercy. I pray Your Holy Spirit would move about NYC and the surrounding areas and would spread Your Hope, Love, and Mercy.  I pray that Christians all over show your love by extending their hands out in grace and love.  Show me how we can help.

In Jesus,

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Taking over the finances...

Recently, after more overdrafts in one month than I've ever had in the 9 years of being with my bank, I decided to take over our finances.  I've been banking with our institution since I was a college girl.  My husband and I just recently, in the last year or two, combined our accounts to one bank account.  We decided to go with mine because of my history with them.

As a new homemaker, I was finding it hard to balance cleaning, cooking, bill paying, kids, husband, and high expectations.  It was just too much and so I told my husband to take over our finances.  He always seemed more than capable since he was always asking me if such and such bill was paid and telling me what was coming up that needed to be paid, etc.  Well, God bless my husband, he's a great provider, husband, and father - but financier he is not!  He just started paying bills without checking to see what other bills were automatically going to be taken out that month.  Needless to say, we over-drafted.  More than once. Not by small amounts.

And after much prayer, I really felt the Lord was leading me to take over the finances.  He really spoke to my heart and impressed on me that all the years I worked in an office setting, dealing with department budgets, managing my time, dealing with difficult bosses and difficult clients, all that was preparing me to manage my home - including my finances.

OK, Father. I get it. Thank you.

So I began reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover and implemented that in our finances just this week.  Hubby is all for it - and was actually the one to tell me to read the book.  Some areas are really strange for us - like paying our gas and food shopping with cash! That's crazy! I never pay cash - other than yard sales!  There was a time when I was working that I would never have cash on me.  Never. Everything I paid on my debit card.  But strange as it is, we get the point and we are committed.

Anyone else read Dave Ramsey's book or take the Financial Peace University class?  My church actually offers the class, but I'm in the middle of taking another class so I'll just have to wait until next time.

In Christ,

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Love is... what?!?!

So lately I've been experiencing some major... "issues" in my marriage.  Lots of arguing and crying (on my part).  I'm really tempted to say "it's NOT me! If you only knew..." but it really doesn't matter does it?  As a Christian wife/mom/woman, it shouldn't matter how my husband treats me or how he reacts to situations.  My joy is supposed to be there regardless (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). My love is supposed to evident in all I do (1 John 3:18). And in any circumstance, I'm supposed to be content (Phillipians 4:11-13).

But let me tell you, some people are easier to love and be content around than others!  But that ALSO doesn't matter!!  The Bible doesn't say to love those who are easy to love! It says to love your enemies AND PRAY for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44).  Not that I'm saying my husband is my enemy - God gave me my husband, he is certainly NOT my enemy.  But at times, especially lately, we are at odds with each other and I do feel a bit persecuted.

Sometimes during these times of great conflict, I'll lock myself in my room and dream of these movies where the man loves the woman so much he would do anything for her. Or at the very least bring her flowers after work!  That's real love isn't it?  Well, maybe.  But my Bible suggests love is a little more than just rose petals (though they are nice).


Love is patient or long-suffering.

Love is kind.

Love is not easily angered.

So far it doesn't seem like I love my God-given husband at all!  And the list keeps going:

Love does not envy.

Love isn't proud.

Love keeps no records of past wrongs.

Dig. Dig. Dig!  I've failed at every point. 

So what's a sinful, failing, angry wife to do?

Sometimes when I get so frustrated I will text my best sister/girlfriend and get all my anger out on her and tell her everything I feel.  Down to the ugliest little detail.  And her response to me is always this:

"Get down on your knees and pray! Pray for your husband."

Pray for the man I just revealed to you did all this to me?!

"Pray!!"

So yes, I get down on my knees and I pour out my heart to the Lord and I pray for my heart and I pray for my husband and by the end of it, a feeling of peace comes over me. And sweet conviction to turn to the Lord as soon as I get these feelings. As soon as I start to feel persecuted, turn to the Lord in prayer and remember what love really is.  The Lord has reminded me of the many times He has been long-suffering with me.  Now I need to bless someone else with that same kind of love, regardless of the situation.

So now I commit myself to memorizing the Love Chapter.  1 Corinthians 13. I'm horrible at memorization, but I can do all things in Christ!

Please pray for me as I start my endeavor today!

In Christ,

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Great First Day of School!

Today was the official first day of school.  The kids were excited and they all had a good day.  I'm glad things are starting out well.  I was able to get a lot done at home today while Sammy slept, so that was good too.

Praising God.

In Christ,

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