But if I were to really be honest with myself, and this is hard, I believe that there is a bigger issue at hand. Marissa used to have a real love for the Lord and she was always reading her Bible and telling me different things she felt the Lord was laying on her heart. But being a working mother who barely made time for her kids, I never gave her real attention and believe that I didn't encourage her in her Bible reading or relationship with God. At some point, she stopped reading her Bible and stopped having a close relationship with God… and now my baby girl screams in a corner because of nightmares and tells me she doesn't feel God helping her.
I stand convicted before God…. what an awful, wretched mother I have been to my children. But I thank Him for His saving grace and I am grateful that He has opened my eyes to see this real issue in our spiritual life. This past week I started to pray hard for my children (especially Marissa) and speaking God's truth and love into all their lives (again, especially Marissa at this point in her journey). And God is is so good! In just a few days, Marissa has been doing a bit better - day by day it gets just a little better than the next. Right now she sits quietly in her bed listening to classical music and reading the Bible. She has cried a little, but she's not screaming and manic like she was just last night. She came out just a few minutes ago and said "Mommy, I feel like raising my hands to Jesus and praising Him, but I'm embarrassed". So we sat in my living room and lifted both our hands up to our Savior and praised Him together - it was wonderful.
My oldest, Kaity, has also grown in her relationship with God during this time as well. She's been reading her Bible and telling me about things she has learned from it. She came home from school just this past week and told me that she was about to judge someone, but then remembered reading in the Bible not to judge people. Praise the Lord!
My son, Jeremiah, came to the room tonight while I was with Marissa and joined in our conversation about God. He said that Jesus lived in his heart and I told him he had to invite Jesus to live in his heart and we did that together just tonight! Jeremiah now wants to be a pastor! I love it and I pray his love for God will continue to grow - though we'll see if next week he'll want to be a fireman instead!
As I was writing earlier, I heard Marissa speaking aloud and asking Jesus to help her, "help me, Jesus… help me not to be afraid, Jesus…" and praying using the scripture verses we memorized (Philippians 4:13 & 2 Timothy 1:7). Now she's crying again and begging me to go to her room (I'm in the living room). So she goes through her ups and downs… but I know that Jesus is with us and He will help us through this. God has a plan for Marissa's life and He will use this whole situation for good - I know it.
I will keep everyone updated on Marissa's progress. Please pray for her spirit, that she would feel God once again in her young life and that she would open up her heart to her Savior. Also, please pray for the whole bully situation at school. The other girls parents are upset and feel my daughter is lying (though the other girl did admit to the principal that she hit my daughter, unprovoked, on two occasions). So please pray for peace in this situation, peace in my home, and peace in Marissa's little heart.
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